Phoenix

Preamble,

"But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears." - Gibran

Chapter I: Pre-him:  Swoons, sighs, dreams and Adam…

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had ethereal friends , most people would call them imaginary but I always insisted that they did not materialize in my imagination out of thin air, their souls, their essences’ must exist somewhere taking various forms.

Adam was my ethereal lover, he had a story that I am not about to tell, I’ve dedicated pages and pages to it , and to cut a long chronicle short I’ll briefly tell you why Adam was my lover and why he remained so for nearly 8 years in one simple sentence.  Adam’s soul was essentially what everyone desires in a partner, pure and genuine! The rest of the details were entirely up to my fantasies about Mr. Right and what he should be , I tailored him to fit me , he wasn’t a full option man, he was as real as my love for him, flaws and everything, do you now understand why I don’t call him imaginary?

The reason Adam was a part of my life wasn’t a manifestation of a desire for companionship or intimacy; it was just one of those fantasies that spiraled out of control. To cut a very long story short, Adam became the standard on which all guys are measured against, and though this sounds typical and somewhat normal, with me it was a bit different, because everything I do is over the top, normal is just not how I roll.

I created a scoring chart, an Adam scoring chart, with specific criteria that potential candidates need to match with at least 85% similarity to pass check….YEP!  Very few guys scored above 40%, not because Adam was too good to be true or too hard to find, but because the criteria was intentionally specific and the scoring was strict and rigid. Do you now understand why I said, Adam wasn’t a manifestation of the desire to find prince charming, although in many occasions I convinced people and myself of that very misleading and off base notion.

The buildup

She always looked out for me; we’ll call her my fairy godmother to get the whole fairytale atmosphere going. She is a badass fairy godmother though; I have her trademark pinch bruises all over my arms as testimonies of her constant protectiveness.  She had plenty to say about my love life but she never actually verbalized, she didn’t need to, I could tell from the way she shakes her head that she wasn’t a fan of neither my choices nor approaches, but I guess she wanted my learning experience to run its full course.

She talked about him, in every occasion that allowed the topic to be brought up, throwing in a casual “you’d really get along well” every now and then.  What really caused the buildup was the fact that every time I talked about my dreams, she talked about him, not in a way that suggests that he is the dude with the limping beige horse, the crooked spear and the awkward expression that often strolls through them dangling a plate number that reads prince charming. No, not him. Rather someone who somehow ethereally shares those dreams of mine, probably minus the above mentioned fella.  I got intrigued at first, and with time, I became hooked to my dosage of stories about him and her impression of him (that I later on learnt was on point). For me, that’s when it all started….

Interjection:  Moments of impact

I often cry at movies, something that I hate to admit, but I do it. I mean cut me some slack, some movies are very good and those theatres are dark, and it’s not like I wail or anything, just a few tears where I can relate and sometimes when the extremely hot lead actor faces a tragic death!  Anyways, this brings us to the last movie I cried at and why it’s relevant! The movie was called “The Vow” , in a nutshell the movie is about a couple that found a way back to each other and fell in love all over again after some very unfortunate events!  In the movie the lead actor talks about moments, and how our lives and stories as human beings are the sum of all the moments we encounter, he then mentioned something about moments of impact and how they define the milestones of our journey….or something to that effect.

Chapter II: Veni, Vidi, Vici

A huge chapter of my life, perhaps the biggest yet, had come to an end that night, I was full of raging emotions and even though fear was dominating, there was an opponent fiercely pulling the rug away from fear, a sensation that I could take on the world and do pretty much anything I please, now don’t ask me where that surge of confidence and enthusiasm came from because I didn’t know, I still don’t but I was thankful.

I’ve always taken initiatives, being impulsive was kind of my thing, and to those who think they know me, that’s hard to believe because I am famous for being the obsessive planner, Monica Geller!  But to those who know me very well, it’s what they’re used to seeing, they know that my plans and my obsessions are not more than a safety blanket which is also a wall hanging that doesn’t spend much time on the wall but doesn’t do the job in the cold winter days. Ok…focus!

I toyed with the idea of approaching him, I didn’t know how to go about it, I wasn’t even sure why I wanted to approach him. But that blessed night, the surge of courage teamed up with my curiosity and inexplicable force drawing me to him and they all crafted a Facebook message…..a moment of impact!

I grabbed him brain first and we got on a rollercoaster, swirling fast across unchartered territory! Both terrified but excited and our hands naturally found themselves in a lock, perfectly fitted although mine were of a midget!

Interlude: The Butterfly effect

According to Wikipedia, the butterfly effect is a concept in Chaos Theory that suggests that one event can change the course of events in general and result in a completely different scenario.

When I first started writing this piece, I thought it’d go on forever; it will not have a final chapter. That maybe when I die and someone bothers to dust off my writings and maybe look for something worth publishing, this would be the story they never publish, but tell the press about. “The story she never finished”. That maybe they’d come to him (yes I die first, I am selfish like that), ask him to write the final chapter and he refuses, because to him our story doesn’t end with the death of either of us.

A butterfly flapped its wings, and the hurricane formed, it came churning our way, destroying all the outlines I’d laid for all the chapters I wanted to write, all the summits and all the valleys, all the roads, all the smiles and all the tears. And I’m left with a chronicle…

Chapter III: Soundtrack

Writing this chapter post the impact of the butterfly effect is painful, because the memories are suppressed, alive but suppressed, and invoking them enhances the yearning I’ve been attempting to master.

Perhaps I can’t tell you where we started, but I’ll tell you where we didn’t.  We didn’t start at subtle hints and mild flirts; we didn’t start at shy smiles and hesitant approaches. It didn’t start with an awkward first date filled with nervous laughter and small talk, in fact, it never felt like it had a starting point, even our first encounter felt like two old mates picking up right where they left off in a previous life. He had me at “It feels like the music you hear for the first time yet feel was written just for you” and that is exactly what it was, humming a tune of an old song stuck in the back of your head, remembering the lyrics as the days unfold, savoring a joy in learning what feels familiar. The lyrics came running back to our minds, and we sang out loud, mostly odd and out of tune but we sang! At a frightening pace, we moved from remembering and exchanging old rhymes to having each other’s lyrics memorized and coming up with new lyrics for the soundtrack of the lifetime we intended to spend together.

Chapter IV: …and then there were two

I am not entirely sure how or when it happened; I am not even sure what exactly happened! All I know is: our flame like a phoenix burnt to its own destruction.

They said the distance makes the heart grow fonder but they lied. The heart grew weary, doubtful, and frightened. Distance distorted the perfectly chaotic mosaic, distance muffed the resonance of the soundtrack and instead of tunes, the heart heard thunder, the echo of thin glass shattering on a cold floor, the sound of friction of broken glass against bare feet. Distance tugged at us, relentless in its pursuit to occupy the spaces in our togetherness, the spaces we left for the winds of heaven to dance in between. And we caved, as the spaces grew wider, foggy from all the sighs of frustration, our faces became unrecognizable to each other, and the lyrics we once lived by weren’t convincing anymore, and the harder we tried, the further we drifted. 

The Phoenix landed, folded its wings and tucked its head in its fiery tears, heaving, grunting, moaning…. it got really quite before bursting into a bright flame that settled into ashes. We cried over it, hoping our tears would resurrect it but should the phoenix rise from its own ashes, it does on its own terms, you can’t blow the life back into it.

We shook hands, exchanged olive branches and then there were two….

And the rebirth of the Phoenix remains a silent plea.

                                                                        The End 

Penny for your thoughts? They better be worth it!

 

As always, it started quite innocently with a conversation with a friend, commentary on a situation and then it moved to a discussion on a trend in modern human demeanor that both the friend and I have noticed to be growing. A clan of dismissive intellectuals has been dominating the social scene, very vocal, very articulate and almost all the time….completely useless! And before anyone draws their rifles at us, useless in the sense that despite the prolific supply of intellectual thoughts exchanged during debates and discussions, the impact on pressing current issues is slim to nil.

So the question was raised…… why are those extremely smart, extremely educated people with enormous potential so petty?


Well, here is what *I* think….

I think its human ego , man is a narcissistic species, most human beings believe that mankind is the pentacle of creation and that they are capable of anything. A colleague of mine told me just this morning: “I find it astonishing that humans think they are the most evolved species on earth”.


My theory is as follows though, the people who refrain from engaging and discussing current pressing problems and rather focus on things that THEY KNOW are already obsolete and can’t be (for the lack of a better term) changed , have an inner struggle in the sense that they want to live up to the title of the “most evolved” , be worthy of the brain they have but they see that this very brain is failing to solve immediate problems (Poverty, Hunger, Disease, Racism, Sexism, Human Rights violations…to name a few) . In order to retain a sense of intellectual superiority the shortage is made up for by acquiring more knowledge (through reading, traveling, debating even meditating!) which is excellent! But then here is the strange part this valuable knowledge is for some reason applied to theorizing on issues that are no longer…well… issues!!
And here is why in my humble opinion this happens ; I think because there is no way to test these theories the possibility that they could have worked remains and then that false sense of achievement is there.

Yesterday, I was with a friend at a meeting and we pitched an idea to the chair, to our surprise she found our very “simple” idea brilliant and was very impressed by it. Now before I proceed with this story, its noteworthy to mention that both the friend and I are unemployed and do not work for this person. Ok back to the story, so the lady is impressed and mentioned that it has never been done before we were both shocked:

Are you serious??? It’s not rocket science; it’s very straightforward, why hasn’t it been done? we thought we’d pitch it to you so you can give us archives on how it was done so we can develop it !!

Her response was: All the solutions that work are never rocket science, it’s just people like to come up with complicated solutions to validate themselves and justify their big salaries, you guys don’t get paid to think, so naturally you will come up with easy solutions.

And she is absolutely spot on, simple solutions, if they work they work, if they don’t, no one can guilt trip you saying “ We don’t pay you to come up with these WikiHow solutions”

And then TADA! It just all linked to my theory which I now have a name for “Thought pricing”.

My good friend who inspired this rant , said “the more you get paid the more entitled you feel and the more "special" you feel but also the more pressure you feel to come up with something that weighs as much as the money you're being paid” , and I add to it that the “payment” need not be in money, for I have observed that praise, social status and even acceptance by fellow “intellectuals” creates the same incentives to always live up to the image or expectation.


I wish this was a profound kind of rant that goes into the specifics of how “Thought Pricing” originated and the pros and cons of it and its real impact (with numbers and charts and stuff) , but it’s not, it’s just my own meandering analysis, and to drive this rant home, I wish everyone would just …you know… CHILL!

If you rain on my parade I might just spike your beverage.... With poison! (Angry piece)

Alright so yes, everyone goes through a period of their lives where things aren't exactly smooth and hunky dory and don't seem to be looking up. People handle these times differently and while there is an unspoken consensus to accept the "pragmatic" " realistic approach in dealing with these times, you find less tolerance to other mechanisms, such as pessimism or optimism.

First things first, *I* think pragmatism, pessimism and optimism never solve anything! They are coping mechanisms! That is all that they are! It always baffles me that pragmatism is perfectly ok and is deemed the only rational way to handle a tough patch!

A few questions come to mind though, for instance, who decided that optimists are living in fantasy? Why is it that hardly anyone sees that being pragmatic or realistic is a rationalized decision, not a rational one? There's a difference you know!! And the big mother of all questions, why is there this (often unspoken) affinity between the pragmatist and pessimist while the optimist is dismissed as a delusional dreamer and is hardly taken seriously?

You know exactly what I am talking about! When you hear the word optimist, an image of an extremely hyper, chipper , very cheerful person comes to mind, a person you can hardly take seriously with their signature grin tattooed across their face at all times, a toddler high on pixie sticks! On the other hand with the words pessimist or pragmatist, you picture a more centered, *mature* person, someone who is usually quiet and *looks* profound, and the only difference between a pragmatist and a pessimist is that one looks more depressed.

While the tolerance towards the optimist and the pessimist is relatively low in comparison to the pragmatist, I must say there is almost zero tolerance for the “deeply troubled” human being who dares exhibits a combination of all three through a given period of time….. And this brings us to the beginning of my rant (yes I am just starting)!


Dear People who rain on my parade,

I am really astonished at your reactions/reservations/comments on the way I lead my life, in all fairness, reactions and reservations do not at all bother me, but boy do I find it unsettling that people actually dare comment on something that’s absolutely NEVER going to affect their life, and they do it raising a huge banner that says “We care about your well-being”.

Ok I know some of you do (there are those with ulterior motives, I KNOW who you are and YOU know who you are), I really do, and I appreciate it, but do you honestly think you’re helping me by saying stuff like: “You need to bring your head down from the clouds”, “You won’t survive in this world with this attitude”, oh and my favorite one “You don’t know what you want, you’re too unfocused” …….. How exactly is that supposed to help me?

Then come the suggestions and the justifications, and the subtle (not always so subtle) pressure to apt for something just because it worked for someone else and NO! Being older and maybe wiser with more experience than me does not qualify you to say (with such conviction!) how I should handle my life.

I appreciate advice, I ask for it, and sometimes, I even use it…. I also appreciate criticism (I really do when it’s not done condescendingly), but you need to know…

I am not an idiot! I know how the world works, but I don’t conform, I won’t! And for now I can afford it, if you truly believe I will conform one day, then why are you pushing me? If it’s inevitable, I will arrive at it so just let it take its course!

It neither an immediate nor an ultimate goal to make money, yes I’d love to have extra money to cater to all my “dreams”, but if I have enough to sustain me, I am content. And that does not make me an idiot you bigoted capitalists!

I want to do so many things that have nothing to do with each other, and I believe as long as I have the time ( hopefully another 50 years or so) I can do it all!

So please, don’t come at me with your Confucius-ness and wisdom and tell me to see the world for what it is, I see the world for it is, but I don’t want to become it!



Stop raining on my parade! I studied Chemistry and I am not afraid to apply my knowledge =)

Life After Graduation: How to survive

Life After Graduation: How to survive

Graduate Meets World

#Episode 1:  The 5 Stages of Post-Graduation Grief

Preamble,

This all started innocently enough as I was narrating the details of a weird dream I had followed by an anxiety attack to a friend , it’s important to mention that said friend is employed and has been so for the past 5 years! Him being an observant of the scene, or the drama of the “Graduate meets world”, he suggested that I write about it as it has become a pandemic, so here goes!

It is also noteworthy to mention that I attempted to do research on what has previously been written on the matter and I skimmed through several survival kits that have already been published, and I promise to dedicate an episode (or part of an episode) to discuss them, apparently it’s an industry, books are being sold and people are making money off of this!

The Dream

The dream was vast and the sky was the limit!

But of course they lied about that, almost as big a lie as the one told to millions of poor unsuspecting high-schoolers ; “tough it out now and university will be more relaxed” , you get to university and realize that the only reason it’s more relaxed is that you stopped bothering and very little can phase you when it comes to school, especially if you go abroad to study, I should mention that I am not generalizing here and this certainly doesn’t apply to all students, however, I speak for myself and those who have gone through this very same rite of passage. Anyways, not to stray too far from the topic at hand….The Dream which is the very close second biggest lie, is that *drum rolls*: Once you leave the student life behind you, comes the real world with all its perks despite the hardships, the independency and adulthood in its true essence, a career, a paycheck, an interesting life even a family of your own!

The grace period between the day you actually receive your diploma to the day you wake up and decide you’re done relaxing and you need to pursue the dream varies in length from graduate to graduate and I have a hypothesis that suggests that the length of the grace period is inversely proportional to the effort you put into your degree!

Yours truly was one of the obsessive ones who started hunting for jobs before they were even certain they’ll graduate, yup! Before I even sat for my final exams so my grace period was more of a time to slow down and rejoice in the abolition from the dreaded student life and its shackles, I mean I am about to pursue the dream and the sky is the limit! I need a break to recharge! Or so I thought!  

A few weeks into the grace period and the dream slowly starts to shed its masks and you see it for what it is….

Employers aren’t going to Sparta over your fancy qualifications or rare major! Shocker! Right?

Job security is a luxury to those who have jobs!

Money talks!...... Sometimes it never shuts up

It’s who you know , hardly ever what you know, in fact, with this economic situation, a know it all is the last thing employers look for,  an obedient slave to memorize and do the tasks efficiently is the ideal candidate. 

You’re cheap labor! And even then, you’re not coveted….

And many many other fun facts about The Dream!

The journey from graduation to the much needed wake up call and reality check, sobering up and becoming objective can be summarized as follows :  

The 5 stages of Post-Graduation Grief

1-      Denial is the first stage; however denial starts upon the first impact with the truth about “The Dream”. Denial itself has different stages and layers, it starts with the basic denial of the fact that you’ve been hoodwinked, denial that you’re no different from all these other people who graduated last year and are still looking, after all, you’ve attended thousands of seminars and read hundreds of articles and have the techniques of how to land your first job memorized! No, it’s a matter of time before I land the perfect job, I am proactive and I’ve done my homework well, I even have a LinkedIn account!

2-      Anger is the stage that begins to creep up on you after spending a few weeks or months in denial (depending on how fast you start to sober up) , you start realizing that none of the lies the career advisory office sold you works, those articles on how to market yourself were written as a practical joke and you’re as prepared as  you were for university the first day you arrived! (refer back to biggest lie ever sold) . This stage transforms you into a bitter cookie, you direct your anger at friends, family, inanimate objects and mostly on strangers on the internet, you pour your focus on politics, sports or any other field that offers a healthy space for rage on the cyber space, you’re angry and you show it towards everything and everyone except what is really bothering you!

3-      But the anger gets old real fast! You start to cool down and enter the Bargaining stage ,  you lower your standards in terms of job hunting (like that makes a difference) , you put a fancy label on your desperation “expanding my horizons” ,  you start comforting yourself by thoughts like “If only I had kept an open mind sooner, I’d be hired by now” and a personal favorite “if only I had just taken any job to get me started, I’d already be well on my way to my ideal job” ……yup! 

4-      Depression hits when all fails, you lowered your standards, you applied to basic jobs that only require computer literacy, but you haven’t heard back. Family friends and relatives who took your CV have disappeared from your life, you don’t even check your email anymore because you just know all you’ll find is spam job offers from the various recruitment websites you signed up to! You start questioning your choice to study what you studied and beating yourself up over your poor decision. And soon enough, you remove your resume from all online Databases, and you spend your days cynically browsing job listings, eating your weight in whatever junk food at your disposal, you don’t even go out anymore, because going out and spending your parents’ money only emphasizes and enhances your feelings of total worthlessness.

5-      Acceptance comes upon realizing that yes you’ve been fooled and the world was indeed painted with a fake rosey  brush , but you’re not the only one, everyone has gone through it, even those who have jobs now! With that truth settling in your mind, you shed off depression and decide that there is no option but to keep trying. 

The Honeymoon's over....

This piece was written ages ago as a part of a larger novel that is as of this moment remains unfinished...

Her

She let out a long exhale after taking a very deep breath, as if expelling all her anguish and frustration, she knew it would happen and a part of her was looking forward to it but there was no amount of grounding that would prepare anyone to deal with the fact that the honeymoon was over, nothing prepares you for the first fight! Big or small, it comes with a lot of terror, uncertainty, frustration and most importantly, questions! Will we survive this fight? Is it a testimony of the fragility of our relationship? Did I really mean any of the things I said? Did he? Will it change the way we deal with each other? They say lovers’ spats are natural but how comes nothing about this feels natural?

She absentmindedly left the tap running as she recalled the events of last night, the anger was building up within her again, all the things she should have said and didn’t and all the things that were uncalled for but she failed to hold back, “He was pretty mean though” she whispered to herself before letting the streams of tears that were swelling up in her eyes run down her cheeks. 

She heard the sound of the bathroom door closing and realized he had woken up too, she turned off the water tap, dried her hands on her pajama bottoms and stood staring at the coffee pot, undecided on how to play out the morning routine, he makes the coffee and she makes the sandwiches and whomever is done dressing ends up doing the dishes, and him being the diva he was, she’d always do them! This morning was different, she didn’t try every tickling technique to wake him, they didn’t start their morning with kisses and wishes they didn’t have to be at work, he didn’t tease her about her puffy face and she didn’t pretend to be upset just so he’d shower her with clichéd sweet nothings. They didn’t take turns in hogging the mirror to brush their teeth and suggested to move to a place with two bathrooms, none of that!

It was 35 minutes before he emerged out of the bedroom, all dressed up to go to work , she was on the couch ,they made eye contact for a second and she looked away with a thousand thoughts running through her mind! “Should I say good morning or wait for him? What if he didn’t say it? What if he did? Should I answer back? He really was pretty mean! Will he make coffee or just pass by starbucks, if he made coffee should I make the sandwiches! How the hell do I do this!

“Morning”

His voice interrupted her train of obsessive thoughts, she looked at him and his face carried all the callousness and the seriousness he could muster, not a hint of a smile or a possibility of it! He didn’t wait for her answer and walked to the kitchen. She was caught off guard and by the time she had decided to reply, he had already walked away! “Morning”, she whispered to herself. He turned around and looked at her, she was still looking away, he shook his head and carried on.

Her brain continued to generate thoughts so conflicting and contradicting that it took her twice the usual time to get ready, she was however thankful it was a working day and they’ll both be at work all day and would not have to deal with each other.  

For the rest of the day, she continued to replay the fight and their morning interaction in her head.

Him

He stared at the ceiling for what seemed to be forever, his left arm tucked under his head while his right arm is resting on his belly, he’d occasionally look at her side of the bed, cold and creaseless. He sighed in dissatisfaction as he replayed events of the previous night in his head, he had seen a side of her he didn’t know existed, he tried hard but he couldn’t recall a time he’s been that angry with anyone before, it usually takes a lot to anger him to the point of saying what he said and he never thought that she of all people would ever push him that far! He had played every scenario of their first fight in his head but none of them was even remotely related to what took place!  

He sat up and looked at the digital clock on the nightstand, 10 minutes to 6! He lit a cigarette and sat up on  the bed with his bare feet touching the cold floor, he closed his eyes as he took a long drag of his cigarette, listening to the faint sound of water running in the kitchen, “sogood!” he thought to himself and a smile escaped his control! He was thankful he was alone in the room and she didn’t see him caving, because to him that was the explanation of the smile!

He put out his cigarette and walked to the bathroom. The warm water washed down all the negativity he woke up soaked in, he wanted this to pass, he didn’t know how but he didn’t want to be mad at her anymore, and somehow, all the anger seemed but a silly overreaction, he tried to remember why the argument started, whether it was worth it or not, but all he could think of was that he wanted them to move past this!

He finally walked out of the bedroom to find her sitting on the couch, their eyes met, a part of him wanted to take her in his arms, say “let’s quit this nonsense” and carry out the morning routine, but his stubborn male ego only allowed him to let the word “Morning” out! He froze for a split second which felt like a million years waiting for a response and when it didn’t come he walked away, as a timid “morning” caught up with his ears, he turned around but she wasn’t looking, frustrated with her passiveness he carried on.

For the rest of the day, he kept busy, forcibly dismissing any thoughts relating to the fight!

Aftershock

He came home later than usual, and a delicious aroma of spices mixed with a tantalizing scent of incenses burning in a corner somewhere greeted him at the door, he walked in following the aroma to the kitchen where she stood, in her work outfit, placing the last layer of “gurasa” on a plate. She noticed him observing her with a blank expression on his face, indifferent! The truth is, he was struggling not to smile and at the same time battling a voice in his head telling him that it will take more than this. She walked to him and reached for his hand and smiling she said “ I know it is going to take more than this, but at least it’s a start no?” , He looked at her with the same blank expression as she lowered her gaze and sighed in frustration, she led him by the hand to the living room, they were finally on the couch, it was a few minutes before he spoke, “ what do you think you’re doing?” he said callously. Her eyes were now swollen with tears, she looked away as he demanded she looks at him, still looking away her voice came shaking as she choked on her own tears “ I am apologizing but you should know I am not apologizing for getting mad, you were a complete jerk and your words were very hurtful!” ,  “is this your first apology? “ he interrupted, “ Because you suck at it” , she turned to him, tears soaking her face but a pilfered smile has found its way to her lips , “ I don’t want to ever do this again!” she muttered before throwing herself into his arms!

“Look” he said while wrapping his arms around her, “ it will happen again, this is not our last fight, I certainly do hope it isn’t! you just need to understand, it’s difficult , it’s like we’re getting to know each other all over again and we need to both be very strong, we both said horrible things , and it is scary to realize we are capable of saying such things to each other” , she lifted her head from his chest, wiped her tears and said “ you’re right , I can’t promise you that I’ll never be a bitch again, but I promise that whatever happens, I will never sleep on this couch again!” , he let out a laugh and printed a kiss on her forehead “3aweera , let’s eat”  , he got up and extended his hand to help her up, she reached to grab his hand but hesitated at the last minute, she looked at him and said “ Only if you promise that we’ll talk this out”, he grabbed her hand and pulled her up , “ But first we eat!” 

Nostalgia: Tropical Break……Fast (survival)

Disclaimer: The Nostalgia series will feature old pieces unedited.

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Sir Winston Churchill said:

"For myself I am an optimist - it does not seem to be much use being anything else." 

I am an optimist by nature and nurture , sometimes it’s a blessing, others it’s a curse. But in the end of the day there is always a valuable lesson. This is a series of journals/diary entries or what can be called a mere flow of thoughts. Some of it might not make sense to anyone, you might not be able to relate to it, but I do hope it leaves a trace.

Tropical Break……Fast (survival)


Dear Diary,

The refreshing aroma of the ever juicy papaya soared as my glistening silver knife pierced through its flesh, and I stabbed it with my fork preparing it to receive my fatal kiss. I paused, as the ocean breeze concealed my face with my loose scarf, threatening to blow it off. I tightened the grip of my veil around my head and turned my sight to the ocean that was trying to grab my attention.

The echo of the never ending conversation between the wind and the ocean tickled my eardrums. I placed the stabbed papaya down, stood up and followed the mysterious drive that led me to the water.

I stood, watching the monsoon waves crash vigorously on the damp sand. And as the tranquil shore scattered the powerful waters to frail drops, it hit me; something so quiet and stationary and clam can in fact break something so potent and mighty and such is life….

Nevertheless, the waves regenerated, just as strong, high and striking.

People ask me; How come you’re so optimistic? And I wish I had one answer that would make sense to the ever complex human mind, but I don’t since optimism is a projection of a much higher echelon of consciousness a combination of intellect, sentiments and circumstances. One of the many interpretations I have lies in the human nature. It the desire to survive, I believe that the desire to pull through hardships resides within every soul. However, some people don’t realize it does, other people don’t understand it, but most people in fact are clueless on how to actually survive.

The bottom line is, the need to survive enhances the hopes of making it.

“When there’s a will, there’s a way”.

Here's to Fluidity....

The world is not going to change, and neither will I....


When a problem arises someone would always focus on pointing fingers , figuring out who's fault it is as if that piece of information can contribute to the solution, and rather than figuring out what went wrong and how to remedy it , people tend of fixate on swinging blame until someone finally pleas guilty, and most times no one does. I don't know how I ended up in this position, the official guilt bin, and it's not that I get accused, I just admit to the fault so we could move on to the solution or just shut up altogether. With time that became the expectation , for me to step up but it acquired a fancy new term , and in the name of "taking responsibility" I sold myself short. Don't get me wrong I am not complaining, it works, most of the time and it serves it's purpose. I do not expect nor desire an appreciation of this trait of mine and I do what I do for my own peace of mind . What bothers me though is the fact that because of this , I somehow wound up with many labels that I do not appreciate . " Reckless" , "Naive" , "idiot", "fool" , "hypocrite" , and my all time favorite "attention seeker".
I really do not understand this world and I admit it. I am in pursuit of knowledge and I'll seek it to it's lair but people.... I gave up on them eight ways to Sunday!
If you're spontaneous and friendly, you come off needy and in need of constant approval.
If you're aloof and kept to yourself , you come off an arrogant loner.
If you're trusting, you're weak ,naive and pathetic.
If you're cautious , you're paranoid and pessimistic.
If you believe in human goodness, you're an idiotic dreamer.
If you don't , you're a depressive cynic.
If you love with all your heart, you're a stupid hopeless romantic who deserves the disappointments you've set yourself up for.
If you don't, you're a complicated deeply troubled and damaged person.
If you have strong beliefs and ideals, you're a fanatic.
If you don't , you're a sheep
If you listen to what people think of you , your confidence and self esteem are questioned.
If you don't, you're a stubborn rebel without a clue!

And the best part is, we are somehow conditioned to believe we have to take a pick, it has to be one thing or the other. We forget that the most basic perk of humanity is the fluidity!

Bee Eye See Why See Elle EE

B.I.C.Y.C.L.E 

I've always been afraid of heights and moving things, whether they're moving towards me, near me or with me, specially with me! My mother's bouncy lap, my rocking cradle, swings, cars , a ball rolling to me, a toy car, an ant...etc . As I aged I overcame most of those fears but one, my fear of riding a bicycle.

There was always a bicycle around, tempting and flashy, always someone ready to take me on a ride and teach me how to enjoy this rather essential part of childhood, I was always too scared to try, I'd ring it's bell, wax it's rims and wash it's tyres and if I go on a ride with someone, I'd be sitting at the back, ready to jump out the minute it got wobbly, I thought that joy was never worth the risk of a scraped knee or a scratched elbow...

One day, I saw a bicycle that seemed like no other, almost like it was made for me, bright green like the dress of a generous farm , glimmering under the pilfered sun rays sifting through a beautiful big oak, standing proudly so close to the river as if checking its alluring reflection on water.  I was drawn to it, I got close, I admired it and my heart jumped at the thought of giving it a try, it was too beautiful to let pass. The thought grew so intense my heart was in my throat, I made the decision to give it a try , give it my all, my 100% effort and determination, zero caution and absolute impulse! Excited as I was, he fixed his grips on the bicycle , with a smile as if he had clutched a peace of heaven , he promised not to let go, I trusted him.


The  bicycle started moving fast at fir.st, it felt liberating, it felt right!  It slowed down , my legs were getting sore, I peddled harder but instead of going faster, the bicycle started to get wobbly and in the middle of that I realized he had let go of it I was on my own, I panicked. I tried to peddle but it only tipped the bicycle over and right into water. My clothes got wet, I put on a brave face and walked out of the water and joined everyone else who tried to comfort me while I constantly assured them I was alright. My clothes dried , life went on and that incident became a story, a story that breaks my heart every time I remembered it because even today as an adult I don't dare come near a bicycle, and I know for a fact that even if I saw a bicycle that catches my eye, my caution will always get in the way

The democratic Alternative; A Clash of Generations.

Snippets:

The “snippets” series will be sporadic posts commenting on random issues, what’s the difference between them and regular entries, you may ask……well the difference is hardly significant, however snippets as the name implies are generally very short entries on topics that need more elaboration that might or might not come in future entries.

Snippet # 1 : 

The democratic Alternative; A Clash of Generations.

A few days ago, a coalition of the Sudanese opposition as well as the vocal political forces joined hands in signing a charter titled: The democratic alternative charter.  Ok, so first things first, on so many levels, this is a significant initiative, it indicates that the opposition has some sort of faith in the recent uprisings,  fact that this acknowledgement came over two weeks into it is besides the point, or is it?  The charter is eloquently articulated, offering a comprehensive agenda to address the situation post revolution. The status quo of the political scene in The Sudan is deeply polarized as a direct result of the current system’s effort to paralyze the effectiveness of the opposition. The signing of this charter triggered different responses from the youth and the older generations, resulting what can only be described as a clash of generations.

Now all political correctness aside, the charter wasn’t received as well as expected by the youth for several reasons, but one reason that seems to be agreed upon almost unanimously is the fact that youth groups like “Girifna” and “Sharara” were marginalized in the sense that the charter wasn’t signed by representatives although a clause in the charter stated the importance of involving nameless “Youth groups” in the transitional government and what’s to come. There groups serve as an umbrella of unity uniting the raging youth who come from different backgrounds under the common goal of ousting the current oppressive regime! Social media outlets were bustling with dissatisfied youth debating a more optimistic group regarding the level of faith in the opposition and the charter. The charter acknowledges the presence of youth groups, but their role in the stages following the downfall of the regime wasn’t explicitly specified resulting in the skepticism and a fear of marginalization in future endeavors to rebuild the nation.  

The older generation received the charter with great enthusiasm and was very disheartened at the fact that the youth didn’t come running with open arms to embrace the charter and offer their unconditional support!  Which brings this rant to a significant point…..The older generation though supportive of the youth is still skeptical and critical of their approach to revolting, which is understandable because this same generation witnessed and led the previous popular uprisings , but it is unfair to expect identical approaches when everything is different, the times, the tyrant and the mentalities ! 

Adam and myself are torn, on one hand we think the charter is a great initiative , its addresses key points and it’s a testimony of the support of the opposition and a form of positive feedback to the recent uprisings , however, the skepticism is absolutely legit and justifiable , because as of this moment, the opposition had been all talk .  All in all though, we take a stance of support to everyone who comes along under the common goal of toppling the tyranny. 

The mindset of Tyranny

The mindset of tyranny

Not that optimism is a bad thing, nor do I mean to say that I was never a proud optimist booing away realists and fighting pessimists with all my might, but I had realized, or rather learnt by experience that there is much to it than meets the eye and trying to effectively pick a side is next to impossible because there can’t and won’t be a shear right or wrong when it comes to this and no, realism is not the middle ground despite popular belief. You know what it’s like? It’s like those questions in surveys, you know the ones, the ones with six options ranging from extremely decisive to I just want to be nice because I don’t know what to say, when you have six options, and there is no middle option, you’ll have to pick a side, visual demonstration below :

That middle right there is where I believe realism lies, its not neutral, a realist has already taken a turn to the dark side, not to be confused with a pragmatist or a cynic. Ok ok I realize I have strayed away from the main topic, the mindset of tyranny. Ok here we go, so the other day Adam and I sat down to watch the announcement of the results of the first free and fair presidential elections in Egypt. The event is huge, all aspects aside, it’s big, it's elections and they're free AND fair.  Without going into the publically available details of the presidential race and all that went down, Morsi won the Muslim Brotherhood candidate. Yep, you heard right.  In case you’re not familiar with the Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood, it’s the underdog, the looming evil that everyone fears and that the country was fending off for ages. Opinions are torn between those glad that military rule is finally gone and those scared of a doomed fate under the rule of the Muslim Brotherhood.  I will be commenting on the latter group.

For years, under the Mubarak rule, the Muslim Brotherhood has been excessively feared and demonized in every media outlet, movies, series, soap operas and pretty much any method of communication accessible to the public. Not here to discuss whether those efforts were legit or just “efforts” to fend off any sort of potent opposition facing the Mubarak regime.

 The fear of the rule of the Muslim Brotherhood is legit regardless of whether the reasons were fabricated or exaggerated. Similar experiences have failed, the most appropriate example would be the “Islamic Movement” in the southern neighbor “The Sudan” , but that’s a different entry.  Ok, so where was I…right, Muslim Brotherhood…bad idea! I say not necessarily, and here is why:

To come up with this analysis I had to combine what I know about optimism, pessimism and realism, so I can assume the mindset of a potential tyrant, here is what I came up with:

The optimist in me, wanted to believe that the revolution didn’t go to waste and wasn’t aborted in its final stage of the rough thorn rimmed route, I mean come on, long days of continuous protests, bravery in the face of brutality and a lot more details that are abundantly available in Aljazeera archives (Possible Entry) .  But the realist and the pessimist soon joined efforts to deflating that wishful thinking, basing their arguments on the saying that there is no sandstorm without dust or something to that effect, that all these years of Muslim Brotherhood phobia need to have stemmed from genuine reasons. After all was said and done, and” the said” was disproportionally greater than “the done”, I had figured it out, the peace treaty between all three, and finally some self-induced peace of mind. It is simple! No really! It is… ! If I were a tyrant , who’s  been warned against for ages, this is how I would proceed, for the first years of my administration, I will work hard to try and reverse as much as possible of the effects of the previous failed system, fix health, education and economy, things that will get people comfortable and silent! Gain their trust, maintain the momentum while “postponing” the big changes, to be able to use the time factor card, with visible progress and unsaid promises of more lurking in the horizon can guarantee a pass to the next round. This is when true colors emerge, subtle at first, but increasingly aggressive as time goes by until it gets to a point where I'm superglued to the chair with every law surprisingly on my side!

The optimist in me insists on having the final say, I guess nature topples nurture! If the above scenario is to go down, the people will get improved living conditions, the brotherhood will be exposed and the shackles of fear had already left with Mubarak and it can be done again and again and again……

To End Feminism

So I had a dream last night.

An elaborate vivid -3D glasses virtual reality - sort of dream, too elaborate to ignore. The dream though elaborate, was random (according to Adam they’re all random, or at least they’re supposed to be). In the dream a little girl, who would be typically described as a tomboy because even kids aren’t protected from superficial labels based on silly assumptions and skewed perceptions of gender and gender roles. To have a gender based allocation of roles is an absurd generalization operating under the assumptions that people who have gender in common are to typically be prepared to have similar roles, I am not arguing the biological functions of each gender, but going beyond that is counterproductive.

Anyways, so the little girl grows up fast (since it’s a dream and all), she grows up to be an angry "activist" fighting for  a man free world where female vigilantes are celebrated for slaying a man , any man! What was particularly alarming was the fact that she was fighting under the slogan “To end Feminism”.

Adam and I have had endless discussions about feminism, and we agreed that feminism as a movement was born due to a need for change stemming from circumstances of inequality and sexism, now not to bore you with information readily available on Wikipedia!

So Feminism has pretty much reached a success “Plateau”

In the recent years female feminists have adopted a militant approach to the cause, fueling the movement with personal vendetta and confining the fight for gender equality and women rights in the narrow borders of the ancient “Battle of the Sexes”,   “Men vs. Women”, “Us vs. Them” completely losing track of what Rebecca West and her likes fought for.  The fruits of the early stages of feminism are evident today in many parts of the world where it was severely needed (some parts had the balance but lost it to globalization, but that’s a completely different rant). For some reason however, Feminism’s achievements seem to have reached a plateau of steady nothingness!

OH EM GEE! You broke Feminism!

Why has feminism stopped working? Has it fulfilled its purpose? Why isn’t it eradicated?  Feminism was born to serve a purpose and it shall live until that purpose is served, but where did feminist go wrong, why is feminism still needed in this day and age, where social and global societies have never been more “advanced”? . Though women are “granted” an overview of equality more than before, sexism has never prevailed as much before, in social media!  Feminists have been stereotyped into hairy man hating, castrating, emasculating, “unfeminine” beasts who want women to rule the world, because that’s the image the “loud” ones are selling, and consequently feminism has become a laughing stock!

Everyone Should be a Feminist! Label or not…

In order to restore the reverence of feminism everyone is to become a feminist! Oh no! Here comes another male hating hyena trying to recruit people to jump on her hate bandwagon! Here comes another one trying to confine people within labels and ideologies!

Feminism can only reach the promise land and ultimately be completely eradicated when every last human being (man and woman) becomes a feminist whether they choose to don the label .Unite to fight the battle , not the “us Vs. them” battle, No! The “Us(men and women) Vs. Sexism” battle under the slogan : “ To End Feminism”. 

A preamble if I may: Life , The Universe and Everything

Life , The Universe and Everything :


The idea of a blog scares me, perhaps because my first attempt at one went south briefly after I started, or perhaps because I don't know what I would write about or whether it would be worth reading, whether I should follow a pattern or a scheme or just let it flow in whatever fashion it pleases .
Not too serious , but not too sarcastic , not too brief but not too lengthily , not too cynical but not too perky , not too ..... Wait a minute! I'm obsessing , again!
Adam suggested that the best way to go about it is to just go ,and if it happens that it comes out as neurotic as I am, oh well then the real purpose has been achieved , whatever that purpose is! So, thank you Adam! 


This blog will be a series of rants on what Adam and I think of life , the universe and everything , sometimes , it can be as simple as 42 ( geek reference #1) and sometimes it can be slightly more complicated . So buckle up!